The Key of My Heart Chapter 9

Chapter 9 I finished clearing up the little back yard. All the brambles were finally out of it. Pierre dropped by, on his way home from his very part-time job (“and I’ll have to drop it as soon as I start writing up”) and I showed him what I had done, but lamented the fact that the ground was still mud. “I can’t afford any grass seed for a lawn – but I would like some grass there.”
Pierre laughed.
“You want grass – I can show you how to get grass for free! It won’t be all green and smooth, like the lawn at a stately home, but it won’t cost you anything.”
“How?”
“Come with me.” And he took me to a park. I had no idea this park was there – and, I had to admit, it was a bit of a long walk. Pierre carried Amber most of the way, and I couldn’t see me walking here with a toddler.
Then he stopped.
“See this green stuff under your feet? That’s grass.”
“Yes,” I said patiently. I did know that at least.
“And it grows from seed. Now, look here, by the hedges, where the grass hasn’t been mowed.”
He reached down and picked up a long piece of grass with a feathery head to it.
“Grass seed. You can collect it for free and sow it. It’ll grow. And spread – grasses do. Ask any farmer or gardener.” We went round that park collecting grass seed and stuffing the pockets of Pierre’s work overalls with it. We only left as the moon was coming up. Amber was learning to conquer the potty – and that would help save money too! Disposable nappies aren’t cheap – but terries would be totally impracticable with no washing machine. She was growing up to look so like Jasper – his dark hair and green eyes. I’d bought myself some new bedding – and a new-but-shop-soiled mattress, and I had to say, I was sleeping better as a result. I was doing what I had imagined doing when Amber was only a bump – I was sitting in the children’s corner of the library and reading to her! Pierre had been right about the grass! Twice over – it had grown and spread, and it wasn’t a very even colour. But I didn’t care – it was a nice place for Amber to play. She was playing with the xylophone that Jasper had given to me. I wasn’t going to tell her it was a present from her father, but I did like the idea of her playing it. She seemed to have a good ear for music too – it looked like she’d inherited more from Jasper than just looks. Now that Amber was toddling around, I couldn’t take her to work with me any more. I found a mixture of childminders and baby sitters, and balanced what I had to pay them against what I earned. Half my salary was now going on childcare – but when she started school, things would get a bit easier. That did seem a long way off though. Amber was adorable. I loved her so much. And she was happy, healthy (that’s what they said at the baby clinic. I only went about every couple of months now, just to check), and loved. It didn’t matter that she only had one toy – there were plenty of children in the world with less than that. It didn’t matter that we had no books – there was always the library nearby. “Hey, Amber, I got promoted! How about that? And Joe gave us all a bonus, as we’ve worked so hard and it’s been a good year for Joe’s Place.”
I tossed her in the air, and she giggled and giggled.
“What shall we do with all this extra money?”
But actually, I knew what I was going to do with it. I was saving whenever I could – always, at the back of my mind, was the fear that something might happen to me. But I was going to buy some paint, and paint the room, now that I could finally afford to. Next to the library was a little park. It was shabby, and a bit run-down, like everything here, but Amber liked it. The grass was as patchy as the grass outside our house, but we didn’t care. There were a couple of elderly – but still sound – rides for toddlers. Amber loved them, and would squeal with delight when she rode on them. Then we’d go on to the library. Sometimes Amber would just plonk herself down wherever she was – like in the middle of the floor – and demand to be read to there and then. The staff were used to her by now, and quite amused by her as well. I had to buy her new clothes! I needed some too, but mine were merely getting old and faded and worn – Amber’s had become too small! She had long thick dark hair that was so like Jasper’s it sometimes made my breath catch in my throat. Niamh had come round to baby-sit Amber, as my normal babysitter was down with a sudden and violent stomach bug. Amber knew all four of the household now and got on well with all of them. Priya, of course, she had known since her birth. When I got back from work, I thanked her for baby-sitting at such short notice.
“That’s not a problem, Fride. I’m going to miss her when I’ve finished writing up and I’ve submitted my thesis. Which should be quite soon now.”
“And then what happens?”
“Then I have a viva, which is like an oral exam on your thesis. Then you might have minor corrections to do – or major sections to re-write – or no corrections at all, but that’s pretty rare.” “And what about the others?”
“Dave’s already submitted. And I bet you he doesn’t have any corrections to do! Pierre’s writing like stink, but he says it’s coming on okay, and Priya’s double-checking all her genetic code, which is slow, but not difficult.”
“And then what’s next for you?”
“Dave’s staying – he’s already been offered a post-doc. Priya’s going back to India, to work in a university hospital there. Pierre’s got a teaching post at a university back home, and I’m going back to Scotland. I’ve got a job in a library.”
“I’ll miss you all.”
“Not Dave – he’ll still be here! And I’ll keep in touch – I can always write to you. Or you can use the computer in the library – I’ll send you my work email address.” I sang to Amber as I got her ready for bed.

“Kitten, I’ll buy you some diamonds, some pearls.
So you can outshine all the other girls.
So will you be my baby and my doll?
And will you be my honey and my moll?”

It was still her favourite song, and she giggled happily as I went on.

“But I do not want your diamonds and pearls.
I don’t need to outshine all those other girls.
Don’t want to be your baby or your doll.
Don’t want to be your honey or your moll.”

And as I sang to her, I wondered where Jasper was now, and what he was doing. I knew he wouldn’t be thinking of me any more – it was more than four years since we’d met. But I still hadn’t forgotten him.

The Key of My Heart Chapter 8

Chapter 8 Eventually I couldn’t hide my growing bump any longer. Everyone at work was very sweet about it, and Joe found me a high stool so that I could sort of semi-sit as I washed up. They all knew how much I needed this job, and that I was planning to work as long as I possibly could, and come back as soon as I could afterwards.
“I’ll hold it open for you Fride,” Joe said. “I can always get a student in to cover for you – they never stay long anyway. You – you’re like family to us now.” Every week I went and paid a little bit more towards that cot. I was nearly there now, which was just as well, because I still needed to paint it. And save up some more to buy the mattress. The table and weird chairs had gone, and the current stock looked like it was the contents of a grandmother’s house. I rather liked the table and chairs – but goodness only knows where I would have put them! I was getting to know the owner quite well by now. She was amused by the way the baby kicked and leapt around.
“I sometimes think there’s a kangaroo in there,” I said, laughing. “Here – you can have this poster to decorate the kangaroo’s bedroom. I don’t think anyone’s ever going to buy it!” I thanked Sugar, but thought, “Bedroom! If only you knew!” That night I took a good look round the room. If I moved my bed, then that little corner could be the baby’s so-called bedroom. At least it would give her a corner of her own. I had a feeling you weren’t supposed to haul beds around when you were pregnant, so I did it very carefully. Then I put the poster up and admired the baby’s bedroom. Finally I had earned enough to pay for the cot! The next step was to sand it down and paint it. And keep saving for the mattress – and hope I could save enough in time. And then the nicest of surprises happened! I’d got the cot painted and then Priya and David turned up with a huge parcel. They’d clubbed together, all four of them, and bought me a mattress and some bedding!
“We went for yellow,” Priya said, “as you don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl.”
She was right – I didn’t. Priya had come with me to my ultrasound scan appointment, but the baby was being incredibly modest. David hung around a bit after Priya left (despite me bursting into tears because I was so grateful to them).
“You know, Pierre and I could wash down the walls and clean up the floor for you. Do you think Ma Woodward would mind?”
“No. She said I could paint the place if I wanted, as it couldn’t look any worse. But I can’t afford any paint yet.”
“Well, we can at least clean it up for you, ready for painting when you can afford it. We’ll come round at the weekend. You can go round to Priya’s or Niamh’s while we make a mess – I mean, an improvement – here!”
And I’d be at work for most of the day, so I wouldn’t have to impose on Priya or Niamh too much either. I thanked him, profusely. They were as good as their word too. When I came back from work on that Sunday night, the whole place looked much cleaner and brighter. They’d done wonders with the floor – Pierre explained later that he knew a guy who had a sander, so he’d borrowed it. And put the cot and my bed in the garden while they’d done the floor! And then, suddenly – too soon, it seemed – I was heading off to the hospital with some quite definite contractions. Priya came too, carrying a sports bag (borrowed from Pierre) containing clean nightwear (my own) and soap and general washing gear (a gift from Niamh. She’d had a birthday, and all four of her aunts had sent her bath stuff, and not a lot else. I was grateful for Priya’s company, but she told me she was grateful to me for letting me be her birth partner. Two days later, after a very straightforward delivery, I was home again, with Amber nestled close to my heart. And as I looked at her lying there, wide-eyed, I knew that I would do anything in my power to keep her healthy, happy and safe. It was six weeks later, and I was woken by Amber crying in the night. I picked her up and, without thinking, started singing to her. She calmed instantly. Then I realised what I’d been singing – the song I had written and Jasper had had set to his jazz-based tune.
I stopped mid-word. And Amber’s bottom lip began to quiver again. I looked into her tear-filled eyes, and began again, even though my voice was a bit wavery, and my own tears fell onto her face.

“Honey, I’ll buy you a villa in France.
You can sit in the sun and watch the waves dance.
So will you be my poppet and my sweet?
And will you be my sugar candy treat?” Amber lay, contented, in my arms as I went on singing.

“But I do not want a villa in France.
Nor to sit in the sun and watch the waves dance.
So I’ll not be your poppet or your sweet.
And I’ll not be your sugar candy treat.”

And then she smiled at me! The first time she’d ever done so! Jasper’s and my song made her smile! I was determined to keep the house clean. I wasn’t going to descend into the sort of squalor Gerda had lived in. Okay, we had next to no money, but soap was cheap. Amber loved being sung to. I would cuddle her and sing to her whenever we had the chance. I still couldn’t see very far into the future, but I would take things one day at a time. Amber was here – and if Gerda had got her own way, she would never have been born. Going back to work was pretty straightforward – I just scooped Amber up and headed off to Joe’s with her. We made a cosy nest for her in a small unused store room off the kitchen and I fitted in feeding her round my work. She was a very sunny-tempered baby, and she thrived on the attention she got from the other workers. Joe was very understanding.
“My Mamma, she came here with no English and three small children. My Pappa died soon after they got here – she knew all about working to keep a family alive. But people helped her, and she said to me, Joe, you help others too. You pass this on. I tell her about you, and she says, if this girl looks like she wants to be a good mother, you help her do that. And I think that is what you want, so we help you.” At the side and back of the house was a little patch of land, mostly mud and brambles at the moment, but I wondered if it could be something more. Amber was only a baby now, but she would need somewhere to play later. I wondered if Ma Woodward would mind if I cleared it. Next time she was round for the rent, I asked her if that would be okay. She said fine – and she’d lend me a spade. Then she asked if she could hold Amber. I passed her over very happily, and watched Ma Woodward’s strong arms enfold her tenderly. Her face softened in a way I’d never seen before. She knew why I’d left home – I’d told her, when my pregnancy became too obvious to ignore.
“This is one clean, happy, healthy baby. You did right, you know, girl, leaving like you did. Someone made me get rid of my baby.” She paused, turning her face away from me.
“That child was made in love, too. But after I lost it – well, I couldn’t face the father again. I felt he should have stuck up for me – I didn’t realise he was just as scared and confused as I was. He wasn’t nothing but a boy, really.” She stopped again. I said nothing, but my eyes were full of tears for her story.
“I never had another one. You take care of this little gift you got here – you’re doing a good job so far, girl.” Ma Woodward had brought round a spade for me to attack the weeds. But before I started on them, I was going to sand down and paint my bed – I still had some of the paint left I’d used for the cot. I’d heaved the bed outside to keep the dust and smells away from Amber. I lay back on it for a moment, pretending I was lolling round on a sun-lounger somewhere warm and exotic. Then I got off it and set to work! It was several days’ hard work (though realising I could leave the mattress behind did make life simpler!) but eventually the bed looked smart, even if the bedding didn’t. I was perpetually tired – work, broken nights with Amber, and doing the bed were all taking their toll on me. Any chance I got, I fell asleep! When I was up with Amber in the middle of the night though, Ma Woodward’s story would come back to me. At first I found myself weeping for her loss, which might so easily have been mine as well. But then I got to thinking about what she’d said about the father. Had I relied on Jasper too much? It had been so lovely to feel looked after again, that I had let him be the older one, the wiser one. But he’d only been a year or so older than me.
And I thought about the other thing she’d said about her baby – that it had been a child of love. Well, so had Amber. I had loved Jasper – and he had loved me. That was what Amber needed to know: that we had loved each other, and that she was the child of that love.

The Key of My Heart Chapter 7

Chapter 7 The apartment we were staying in before the recording session was very fancy – not as upmarket as dad’s had been, but still several steps up from the fairly basic places we’d stayed on the tour. I was definitely nervous beforehand – so much depended on this. My future, Elf’s future…everything was up in the air. Chris was really pleased afterwards though. He reckoned it couldn’t have gone better, and I really did myself justice. I phoned my mother to tell her all about it (and then my dad) and she was really pleased too. And cautious as well – she said she was coming over to meet Chris and talk to him. My dad said the same as well – though he was more interested in seeing the next contract – so I had to arrange for them to come on separate dates. After they had both been and talked to Chris, they both talked to me. Interestingly, they both said the same thing, but from two different perspectives. They both reckoned Chris was out to make money from me. Dad thought this was a perfectly reasonable way of doing business, and said that the contract was fair enough, and I could sign it without being worried that I was being tied to anything outrageous. Mum doesn’t like people who focus on making money as their first priority – one of the reasons why their marriage broke up in the end. They both also said that I would have to be committed to this, if I wanted to go ahead with it. Dad saw it from the perspective of the contract, whereas Mum said I shouldn’t put my hand to the plough and then look back. But I guess them both agreeing about things made me feel sure that this was the right thing to do. Chris went out, and I sat down to write to Elf again. There was a wide view from the apartment, and it echoed the wide view that was opening up in my heart. When she got this letter, she’d definitely be in touch with me, I knew that! And soon I could go and see her – Chris had a drummer he wanted me to meet and do a session with, to see if we suited each other, and then I was going to see Elf! It was five days later that I finally got to Elf’s house, and I hadn’t heard from her. Chris had phoned the office to check if there was a letter there for me, but there wasn’t. I went straight to her address, but the house was empty, and there was a To Let sign up outside. I booked a viewing – I wanted to see inside, to see if there were any clues to Elf’s whereabouts. The house was completely empty. I ‘accidentally’ noticed the loose floor tile, and pulled it up. There was nothing underneath it, and I knew Elf wouldn’t have left her stuff behind. I found a neighbour, and questioned her. She couldn’t tell me much – I got the impression that Gerda was none too friendly – but she did notice that Gerda had got a letter one day, turned quite pale reading it, and then moved out the very next day. “All of them? When was this?” “Let me think…about three weeks ago, I think. Yes, because that was the day my Sally went into labour three weeks early, and I had to go and look after the other two, but only overnight, because the baby was a nice size – seven and a half pounds, so it was a blessing she started early, because can you imagine what a size the baby would have been three weeks later – and when I came back, they’d gone, and Mrs Jones round the corner said they left the day before…” It was another ten minutes before she went, and left me alone with my thoughts. By that time I knew more about Sally’s labour than I’d ever wanted to know. Three weeks ago. Just after I’d written to Elf, telling her what my dad had said about her assets and what should have happened to them. But why would that have made Elf go away? I looked at the mailbox, and opened it on an impulse. My last letter to Elf – the one telling her about the recording session, the contract, the income and that I was coming back for her very soon now, was in there. And then it was the beginning of the week, and my new job started. I was a bit nervous at first – not of the work: I was used to washing up and clearing up, but of the people. I needn’t have been. Joe was really friendly and cheerful, and so was everyone else. It all got a bit frantic from time to time, but even the swearing was good-natured. The day was long and I finished it after nightfall, tired and stiff, but Joe had been encouraging and said I’d coped nicely. And I’d been fed – I’d tried to pick the healthiest options for the sake of the baby, and I’d drunk lots of milk. This might just work. I had new clothes! Half my first pay packet had gone on them (the other half I was saving to pay the rent) but I was warm enough for the first time in ages. And in any case, my old ones were so skimpy it would have been obvious that I was beginning to put on a little weight. My bust was definitely bigger, but I wasn’t much thicker round the waist. Not yet, anyway. I read everything I could about pregnancy – sooner or later, I was going to have to register with a local doctor as well. But not just yet. At least I had an address to give the doctor – I was so grateful to Ma Woodward. A whole bunch of people moved in next door! Ma Woodward was right when she said those rooms would fill up fast once the university term started. They were all Ph.D. students – and, as it happened, all starting at once, so they’d be here for the next three or four years.
“As long as we can hack the pace!” Niamh said, laughing. “It’s a tough ride, a Ph. D.” Besides Niamh (The Development of Imagery in Anglo-Saxon Poetry), there was David (Tunnelling Effects in GaAs/AlGaAS Quantum Cascade Lasers), Pierre and Priya (Candida Infections in Neonates). It was a regular United Nations, with Scotland, Canada, Africa and India all represented. David seemed quite shy, but Pierre (Sport and Status in Greek and Roman Civilisation) was funny, charming and outgoing almost effortlessly. It was nice having neighbours, and they were all very friendly towards me. I had a sneaking feeling that Ma Woodward might have told them to look out for me a bit, but I wasn’t going to complain about that. Sometimes, when I came home from work late at night and tired, I wondered how I was ever going to manage with a baby as well. But I promised my child – promised with a fierce and protective love – that no matter what, I would take care of her, and not treat her the way Gerda had treated me, or Wayne, or Jason or Tamara. And to be honest, she might have favoured Chablis, but Chablis had turned out to be a horrible child. So I wouldn’t spoil my child either. Priya was the quietest of the students next door, but she was also the most observant. She’d spotted that I was pregnant and, very tactfully, let me know that if there was anything she could do to help me, then she would. It was Priya who helped me get registered with a local doctor, so that I could get the ante-natal check ups that I needed.
“I’m not a medic, I’m a biologist, but my research is medical and so I can ask any questions I want. Especially as I’m in the maternity unit most of the time! If you want to know anything, ask me, and I’ll ask around.” It was Priya as well who told me about the second-hand store on the other side of town. “I couldn’t bring much with me – just clothes really – so I come here a lot for odds and ends. The stock keeps changing, so it’s worth checking it out regularly.” There was all sorts of stuff in there – a dining table that would have filled my whole house, with some very weird-looking chairs, a whole sitting-room’s worth of furniture, a dresser with some elegant china in it. I couldn’t imagine ever having enough space for any of this stuff. And then, tucked away up a corner, I found what I was looking for. A cot – shabby and neglected, but I reckoned I could sand it down and re-paint it and find or make new bedding for it. I’d have to buy a new mattress for it anyway, Priya said. It was more than I could afford at the moment, but Priya said I could put a deposit down on it and then pay weekly until I owned it. I arranged to do that with the owner of the store, and we shook hands on the deal.
“I’ll mark it up SOLD straight away. Though mind you, I don’t think there’s exactly going to be a queue to buy it. If you miss two weeks’ payment in a row, then it goes back on sale, I keep the deposit and you get your payments up to that date back – okay?” I quite often met up with my next door neighbours in the library.
“Well, it’s near,” Niamh said. “And it’s a change of scenery. I can work here just as well as in my room. I don’t need to be in the department all the time.”
David said he did need to be in the department.
“It’s my Sun workstation. I can’t do anything without it.” I was never quite sure when he was joking and when he was being serious. What he liked about the library was their amazing collection of Whodunnits.
“I don’t think their stock got updated. They’ve got the best collection of pre-war whodunnits I’ve ever seen.”
“So who would you recommend for me to read?” The only post that ever came was bills. I had thought of trying to get in touch with Jasper again – but that dreadful letter had been so final. It looked like Gerda had been right all along. I hadn’t thrown it away though. If anything ever happened to me, then my child was going to need someone to take care of her. I would have to make a will, and I would include this letter with it. But hopefully that would be a bridge she’d never have to cross – losing her parent.
I knew how much that hurt.