The Key of My Heart Chapter 9

Chapter 9 I finished clearing up the little back yard. All the brambles were finally out of it. Pierre dropped by, on his way home from his very part-time job (“and I’ll have to drop it as soon as I start writing up”) and I showed him what I had done, but lamented the fact that the ground was still mud. “I can’t afford any grass seed for a lawn – but I would like some grass there.”
Pierre laughed.
“You want grass – I can show you how to get grass for free! It won’t be all green and smooth, like the lawn at a stately home, but it won’t cost you anything.”
“How?”
“Come with me.” And he took me to a park. I had no idea this park was there – and, I had to admit, it was a bit of a long walk. Pierre carried Amber most of the way, and I couldn’t see me walking here with a toddler.
Then he stopped.
“See this green stuff under your feet? That’s grass.”
“Yes,” I said patiently. I did know that at least.
“And it grows from seed. Now, look here, by the hedges, where the grass hasn’t been mowed.”
He reached down and picked up a long piece of grass with a feathery head to it.
“Grass seed. You can collect it for free and sow it. It’ll grow. And spread – grasses do. Ask any farmer or gardener.” We went round that park collecting grass seed and stuffing the pockets of Pierre’s work overalls with it. We only left as the moon was coming up. Amber was learning to conquer the potty – and that would help save money too! Disposable nappies aren’t cheap – but terries would be totally impracticable with no washing machine. She was growing up to look so like Jasper – his dark hair and green eyes. I’d bought myself some new bedding – and a new-but-shop-soiled mattress, and I had to say, I was sleeping better as a result. I was doing what I had imagined doing when Amber was only a bump – I was sitting in the children’s corner of the library and reading to her! Pierre had been right about the grass! Twice over – it had grown and spread, and it wasn’t a very even colour. But I didn’t care – it was a nice place for Amber to play. She was playing with the xylophone that Jasper had given to me. I wasn’t going to tell her it was a present from her father, but I did like the idea of her playing it. She seemed to have a good ear for music too – it looked like she’d inherited more from Jasper than just looks. Now that Amber was toddling around, I couldn’t take her to work with me any more. I found a mixture of childminders and baby sitters, and balanced what I had to pay them against what I earned. Half my salary was now going on childcare – but when she started school, things would get a bit easier. That did seem a long way off though. Amber was adorable. I loved her so much. And she was happy, healthy (that’s what they said at the baby clinic. I only went about every couple of months now, just to check), and loved. It didn’t matter that she only had one toy – there were plenty of children in the world with less than that. It didn’t matter that we had no books – there was always the library nearby. “Hey, Amber, I got promoted! How about that? And Joe gave us all a bonus, as we’ve worked so hard and it’s been a good year for Joe’s Place.”
I tossed her in the air, and she giggled and giggled.
“What shall we do with all this extra money?”
But actually, I knew what I was going to do with it. I was saving whenever I could – always, at the back of my mind, was the fear that something might happen to me. But I was going to buy some paint, and paint the room, now that I could finally afford to. Next to the library was a little park. It was shabby, and a bit run-down, like everything here, but Amber liked it. The grass was as patchy as the grass outside our house, but we didn’t care. There were a couple of elderly – but still sound – rides for toddlers. Amber loved them, and would squeal with delight when she rode on them. Then we’d go on to the library. Sometimes Amber would just plonk herself down wherever she was – like in the middle of the floor – and demand to be read to there and then. The staff were used to her by now, and quite amused by her as well. I had to buy her new clothes! I needed some too, but mine were merely getting old and faded and worn – Amber’s had become too small! She had long thick dark hair that was so like Jasper’s it sometimes made my breath catch in my throat. Niamh had come round to baby-sit Amber, as my normal babysitter was down with a sudden and violent stomach bug. Amber knew all four of the household now and got on well with all of them. Priya, of course, she had known since her birth. When I got back from work, I thanked her for baby-sitting at such short notice.
“That’s not a problem, Fride. I’m going to miss her when I’ve finished writing up and I’ve submitted my thesis. Which should be quite soon now.”
“And then what happens?”
“Then I have a viva, which is like an oral exam on your thesis. Then you might have minor corrections to do – or major sections to re-write – or no corrections at all, but that’s pretty rare.” “And what about the others?”
“Dave’s already submitted. And I bet you he doesn’t have any corrections to do! Pierre’s writing like stink, but he says it’s coming on okay, and Priya’s double-checking all her genetic code, which is slow, but not difficult.”
“And then what’s next for you?”
“Dave’s staying – he’s already been offered a post-doc. Priya’s going back to India, to work in a university hospital there. Pierre’s got a teaching post at a university back home, and I’m going back to Scotland. I’ve got a job in a library.”
“I’ll miss you all.”
“Not Dave – he’ll still be here! And I’ll keep in touch – I can always write to you. Or you can use the computer in the library – I’ll send you my work email address.” I sang to Amber as I got her ready for bed.

“Kitten, I’ll buy you some diamonds, some pearls.
So you can outshine all the other girls.
So will you be my baby and my doll?
And will you be my honey and my moll?”

It was still her favourite song, and she giggled happily as I went on.

“But I do not want your diamonds and pearls.
I don’t need to outshine all those other girls.
Don’t want to be your baby or your doll.
Don’t want to be your honey or your moll.”

And as I sang to her, I wondered where Jasper was now, and what he was doing. I knew he wouldn’t be thinking of me any more – it was more than four years since we’d met. But I still hadn’t forgotten him.