The Key of My Heart Chapter 17

Chapter 17 Meeting Jasper again had changed me, left me dissatisfied, and I didn’t like it. Our little vegetable patch seemed dull after the one Amber and I were helping Jasper to make. The house seemed tiny – but let’s face it, it was tiny! Amber and I were effectively living in one room. Jasper’s place being such a mess had helped at first – our home had looked bright and welcoming after the dingy walls there. But his extension was going up quickly, being a timber frame construction, and soon he would be decorating. And, most confusing of all, my relationship with David had changed. We’d had such a nice day out together, celebrating him getting a permanent post at the university here. He talked about finally being able to settle down somewhere, and not have to move every three years, and I knew that he meant a bit more than he was saying. But I’d been content to see how things developed. And now, I felt like I was letting him down somehow – not least because I wasn’t managing to see him, we were away so much. I hadn’t let Jasper come to our house. I didn’t want him seeing the contrast. I felt like I’d gone back to being seventeen, when I had nothing and Jasper had everything. But this time I minded. I wasn’t envious of what Jasper had: I simply didn’t like the imbalance in the relationship. Who wants to be the one who’s always taking and never having anything to give? I was tired of the urban landscape as well, sick of Magnus Culmen’s silly face smirking at me, fed up with noise and traffic fumes. Only work remained the same as ever. Joe had been really kind about me taking time off.
“You don’t worry about it. You been a good little worker all these years. You fix your family problems and then come back to us, okay?”
Our income was down quite a bit, but I wasn’t too worried. I was spending some of our savings, but Jasper had said he wanted to help fund Amber’s college education, and I wasn’t going to say no. That would have been taking pride too far – and it would only have hurt him and Amber. Amber was having a really hard time of it not telling Laura about what was going on! Laura knew something was up – and Amber had promised her that as soon as she could tell her about it, she would. That wasn’t the problem! The problem was that someone at her dad’s new workplace was a total greenstone fan, and they spent all their time quizzing each other about odd facts and ancient greenstone history – so that was all Amber heard whenever she was over there! Plus, it was a bit odd seeing a giant poster of her father each time she went into Laura’s bedroom. They took to going out a lot all of a sudden… I was fine with Amber singing on the charity release – she’d earned the place in the choir fair and square. And Laura had really enjoyed seeing Deedee’s face when she heard that Amber was in and she wasn’t. But Amber was planning something even more exciting – she’d asked Jasper to organise special tickets for Laura and her dad, and backstage passes as well, next greenstone concert tour. We were at Jasper’s house once again, and he was busy asking my advice about three things at once. Amber was reading in the bath – her idea of total luxury! Especially with the music on at the same time.
The extension was up, the walls plastered, and it was time to decorate.
“So what do you think will look good in here? And which room would Amber like as a bedroom? And do you think she wants to acknowledge me as her father?” “One question at a time, Jasper,” I said, laughing at him. He’d been helping the builders shift the last of the timber before they left, and he was still wearing his work clothes. I couldn’t help but notice that his time on the farm had filled him out a bit. But I wished he lose the hair and the beard!
“In here – I think you should carry on the panelling that was here to start with. But not leave it that dingy grey! You have to ask Amber about the bedroom. Yes, she wants you as her father! Were you really not sure?” “No, I wasn’t. I mean – she’s wonderful, and I haven’t been there while she was growing up, and what have I got to offer?”
He really wasn’t sure! This took my breath away. Jasper really wasn’t sure if he was wanted. Maybe that accounted for some of the forbidding look on his face. I wasn’t used to thinking of Jasper as the insecure one – that had always been my role. But suddenly I felt the balance of the relationship shift. As we went outside to look at the finished extension, I kept sneaking sideways glances at him, re-thinking my view of him as the one who was always confident and always in control. Jasper had extended the front of the house and put a huge window in to make the most of the views. The front door had moved to the side of the house, and was sheltered by a porch. He’d found old, weathered timber to build the extension, and the house looked like it had been there for ages. I loved it. He’d done what he’d set out to do – build a family home. We went to look at the (very healthy) vegetable gardens next, but Jasper was still asking questions.
“Have you thought about how we’re going to go public about all this – you, me, Amber, our history? And what we’re going to do about Chris Deakins?”
I hadn’t, but he had.
“I think our best bet might well be just to tell our story. My dad will probably have a fit, but never mind. I want to tell my mother about it first though – and let her meet Amber and you. Is that okay?” And here it was again. Now I’d noticed it for the first time, I could feel his uncertainty, his doubts.
“Definitely yes to your mother! We’d both love to meet her! She sounds like an amazing lady!” I consciously put the warmth into my voice, and his face lightened at once. Had I been being too distant with him, too business-like?
“And I’ve just had another thought. If we tell our whole story, what’s that going to do to Chris Deakins?”
A wicked grin spread across Jasper’s face. “I think he’ll be losing quite a bit of business. And do you know, I can’t be sorry about that.”
He became suddenly serious.
“After all, he robbed me of quite a lot Elf. More than just seeing Amber grow up.” Did Jasper still feel fond of me? I had never considered that – but then I’d for the last fifteen years, I’d been believing the letter that Chris Deakins had written and sent. But if Amber was right, and he had written Shadow Girl about me, then maybe he had gone on loving me – for a while, at least. The thought was almost too much for me to take in.
And then, hot on the heels of that thought was the question, “But what do I have to offer to Jasper that he hasn’t already got?” As I savagely chopped vegetables for our evening meal, I knew I couldn’t stand it any longer. I was going to have to tell Elf how I felt about her – that I had fallen in love with her all over again: that the things I had loved about her in the first place were still the same, and I still loved them. And I knew how I was going to tell her, but I didn’t know how she’d react. “Elf, there’s a song I’d like you to listen to – about what’s happened to us. Would you mind – I don’t want to release it if you’re not happy with it. But if you do like it, I thought we’d release it at the same time as telling our story.” Jasper was giving me a chance to say if I was happy with what he’d written or not! That touched me too – I’d never expected to have a say in his music. And I was interested to hear what he’d written about us, how he’d seen things. It was a bit sad, though.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you,
been a long time since we talked.
Both of us have grown and changed,
it’s been a hard road that we’ve walked.

Tell me how the time has changed you,
tell me where the lost years are.
Does it seem that I’m a stranger,
someone looked at from afar?”
The notes, and Jasper’s voice, floated up into the air and lost themselves among the hills.

“Am I someone you’d be wanting
to still number as a friend.
Or are you trying to tell me,
Goodbye. This is the end.”

The tears pricked at my eyes as I thought about the years we had indeed lost, all that we might have had together and the fact that Amber hadn’t known her father when she was young, had believed that he hadn’t cared about her, when that wasn’t true. Then he went into the fourth verse, and my eyes opened wide.

“But I cannot let you leave me
without opening up my heart.
There’s something I must tell you,
and it’s been true from the start.” He played the bridge, looked straight at me for a moment, and the dropped his eyes and sang the last section.

“You are the fire upon my hearth
keeping the winter cold at bay.
You are the sun upon my face,
you are the brightness in my day.
You are the wind that fills my sails
and takes me out across the bay.
And when I come home after dark
you are the star that shows the way.” And then I knew. I did have something to give. I did make a difference to him. It wasn’t a one-sided relationship. I didn’t know how to say what I felt, but my face must have said it for me, because Jasper put down his guitar and drew closer to me. And as he came closer to me, I reached out and kissed him. His arms went round me, and the burdens and the worries of the last fifteen years seemed to fall from my shoulders. If you want to know what happened next, you’ll have to hear it from me! Coming down from a rather lengthy and luxurious bath and finding your parents kissing on the veranda is a pretty good experience, I can tell you! Knowing that your father has proposed to your mother, with the ring he bought fifteen years and that she’s accepted him is an even better one! Jasper lost the beard, quite a lot of the hair, and his sad and scowly look. It made me look a lot more like him, which was a bit of a shock, but we both coped with it! My mother seemed to shine with happiness – and I was pretty pleased with life too. And not just because of them either. Turned out that the headhunter who was after Laura’s dad was Jasper! With Chris gone, they needed a new business manager, and it needed to be someone who knew all about greenstone, their back catalogue, their history. The guy in the office who’d been quizzing him had been from Jasper and Pete, to see if Laura’s dad did fit the bill.
Which meant that Laura, her dad and her mum moved to be near us. And on the salary Jasper was paying, they could afford to hire a carer to help Laura’s mum. Which made life so much better for all of them. And as a double plus, living in the country with fresh air and nice views actually improved her health quite a bit – the bad spells became much further apart. But before that happened, Laura and her dad went to a greenstone concert – great seats, backstage passes and everything. And the best bit was Laura, being shown round backstage by Pete, passing Deedee who’d been smuggled in by one of her dad’s friends for a brief look-round.
“It was great, Amber! Deedee looked like she couldn’t believe her eyes! And then at school the next day, when I was talking about the concert, she looked like she was sucking lemons! I didn’t tell that it was you who’d got us the passes, but when everyone finds out about you and Jasper being your dad, she’s just going to die!” I gained a grandmother! Jasper’s mother was amazing – so full of life and vigour, but in a quiet way. And the things she’d done! She’d changed people’s lives, and for the better. Mum and her got on really well, and I realised that in her own quiet way, Mum was a bit like my grandmother. They both had the same courage for one thing, the same willingness to face up to difficulties and defeat them. As soon as the house was decorated enough for visitors, they got married. It was a quiet wedding – we might be telling our story, but we weren’t about to try and sell ourselves to Hiya or Tattle magazine. The Ingleboroughs were there for Jasper, and his mother of course. David, Pierre, Niamh and Priya came for Elf, as well as Ma Woodward. Jasper’s father came too, rather disapprovingly, and we were a bit naughty and sat him with Priya, Niamh and Pierre. Who were all so bright, and so outstanding in their fields that he had to re-assess Elf in the light of her friends. I was so happy it almost hurt. Jasper was almost exactly the father I would have invented for myself. And I loved seeing my mother so happy as well. But though they were happy together, their happiness had come at a bit of a price. Elf introduced Jenny to David, saying he’d have a lot to tell her, as she was thinking about doing a Ph. D. in his field. But watching them talking together later on, I had a feeling that David wasn’t talking about semi-conductors to her. Jenny looked beautiful though – I couldn’t believe Jasper when he said she used to be a lumpy awkward teenager. One of my favourite things was playing guitar with Jasper. He promised me that when I was good enough, he’d let me play as a backing musician, but not until I was good enough. But I was already doing backing vocals – he was more than happy with my voice. The next exciting news was mum getting pregnant! Pride of place in the pretty nursery they made went to the xylophone that Jasper had given to Elf all those years ago, and that I had played on when I was little. I gained a sister! Viola – and she was beautiful! Elf and Jasper had worried that I would feel a bit pushed out by another child, but I thought it was wonderful. Even if I was sixteen years older than her. It wasn’t long before another baby was on its way either! In fact, they hadn’t planned to have them quite so close together, but hey, these things happen! Jasper was home as often as he could be (and usually in his farm overalls) and Pete often came to stay. It was like getting an uncle. And after David and Jenny became a bit more than Just Good Friends, it was like getting another uncle and an aunt as well. We were all so happy – and as mum pointed out, Jenny understood what David was talking about, which was more than she ever did. As for the band, greenstone remained steadily popular without things ever getting out of control. Jasper and Pete kept on writing and playing the kind of music they liked. Jasper’s song for Elf – Tell Me Where The Lost Years Are – did very well, especially taken together with their romantic story. It had to be said that the twins – Ella and Sebastian – were a bit of a surprise! When Jasper and Elf saw the ultrasound, clearly showing two babies, it took a while for the fact to sink in! But they were both born healthy, and not too small either. I decided (and we all agreed) that I didn’t want to go to college at eighteen. I wanted more time at home, with my family. So I worked for Jasper – office work, backing musician work, setting up PA: you name it, I helped do it. And I spent two separate three-month stints with Grandma Elinor in Albania as well.
I know what I want to do now – I want to use music to make people’s lives better. I’m going to do a music, multimedia and electronics degree, and then Grandma Elinor and I are going to set up music projects, collecting local folk songs, local instrumental music and record it and save it before it vanishes for ever. In fact, I’m planning to do this as part of my degree. And we’re going to get people singing, playing, composing – for some of them it will become a job, for others just a hobby, but they’ll all benefit. I’ll have another year at home, and then I’ll leave for a while. Upstairs, I can hear mum and Jasper putting the twins to bed. They’re singing the same lullaby mum sang to me, and to Viola, each singing their own part. They’re nearly at the end now. Mum has turned down the villa in France, the diamonds and pearls and the top-label threads, and Jasper’s on his last verse.

“Then all I can give is the key of my heart,
And with it a promise that we’ll never part,
If you will be my sweetheart and my wife,
To love and lie with me all of my life.”

And then my mother sings her part, back to my father.

“And I will give you the key to my heart,
And with it a promise that we’ll never part.
And I will be your sweetheart and your wife,
To love and lie with you all of my life.”